Don't You Just Hate People That Are Better Than You?

I have never really had a best friend or been the best friend. There has always been someone prettier, nicer, smarter that takes the BFF position for someone I like, and the fact that I've moved around quite a bit kind of doesn't help.  But it doesn't quite excuse it either. For twelve years I lived in the same place, and I had no real close friends to speak of. 

Well this must be because everyone around me is better than me, right? This has only added to my self-esteem issues and to my overly pessimistic attitude. I blame it on me being overweight, on me not being particularly attractive nor symmetric, on having a short forehead, on having big teeth, on that being coordinated...

I hate this. I hate it because not only I don't have real friends, but  because I'm looking at the wrong things. I'm not examining the image of myself I project to the world. Because the problem probably lies on what I  say, how I say it, what I care about (or don't care about.) But thinking of that is exhausting, right? It is easier (though more painful and damaging) to drown and swaddle in self-pity and basically put the blame on others for being superficial (not liking me for my physical appearance.) 

It really holds me back, and it gets to a point where most nights I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I feel like I'm not living for myself, that I never have. I've been living out of guilt, because how would my mom feel if I died?